We all know that Instagram is the real MVP of social media. There’s minimal reading required, the ability to hardcore stalk your ex’s new girlfriend’s cousin with ease and it lets you make sure everyone knows how great your life is—but it does have its faults. It’s nothing against you Insta, it’s about those people who ruin it for everyone (like that kid in PE class that always sassed the teacher, which resulted in everyone running suicides). Cutting these five people out of your online life is for the better, trust us.
1. The Entrepreneur
It begins with a new follower (who out of courtesy you follow back), and quickly warps into a daily bombardment of posts, or (God forbid) messages. Often characterized by ultra-positive captions and Picstitched before and after photos, this person probably sells weight loss wraps, weight loss supplements or essential oils. This person is also probably too old to be using Instagram, but thinks that they’ll be able to wrangle the youths into the almighty pyramid scheme. Even if this person is family (let’s be real, we all have that one aunt) save yourself and unfollow while you still can.
2. The Giveaway Guru
This person is probably one of your actual IRL friends, so you may feel obligated to befriend them online, but anyone this obnoxious has to know they aren’t going to keep followers for long. We’re talking about the person who tags you in absolutely every “tag-a-friend-to-win” post, and literally reposts nothing but giveaways. They probably aren’t even trying to win something that is expensive or cool or that they would even use—it’s just about the promise of winning something. Like those people who call in for every radio sweepstakes, but worse.
3. The Filter Freak
If you’re familiar with #vscocam, #whiteagram or #overlight then chances are you know what we’re talking about. This ‘grammer spends actual real life money on filter and editing apps. No photo they have ever posted has had #nofilter anywhere in the caption. While normal people choose an Instagram filter and are done with it, this person agonizes over contrast, saturation and warmth. Sometimes this hard work pays off and the photos are actually nice to look at, but most of the time all that editing goes awry and turns a photo of a sunset into what vaguely looks like hellfire.
4. The Mirror
You’re scrolling through your feed when you see it: a selfie nearly identical to the one you saw yesterday. TBH it might really be the same one, you wouldn’t be all that surprised if it was. This is the person who posts a picture of themselves in the same poorly-lit spot in their room (or bathroom, or gym) in the same pose, probably in the same clothes. Every. Single. Day. This person comes in many shapes and sizes, including but not limited to: the beefed-up gym rat, the #ootd-er, and that one really pretty girl who knows just how pretty she is. Regardless of who it is, you need to get out of this mutual followship. Nobody has time for that.
5. The Flawless Feed
This is that person standing on a chair in the middle of the coffee shop to get a flawless photo of their flawless breakfast. You scroll through their feed and every picture is cohesive, perfectly edited and artsy. These are the travel bloggers of Instagram. They make every single place they visit look hip and cool, and they have a knack for making it look like their life is way cooler than yours. You love to hate this person. They are always traveling, and they probably also have a really hot SO or a perfect family. Don’t let their seemingly perfect life make you feel bad about yours though, they fall off their chairs (and probably mountainsides) all the time.
So who should you follow? Us. Definitely us.
Photo by Will Baldwin