Posted on April 30, 2016

A Workout Guide for the Lonely Romantic


Sometimes, romance and everything that comes with it is nothing more than salt on a very fresh wound. From the heart-shaped patterns on everything, to the raging capitalism, it can be a lot to take in. Even worse, it can be something you want to avoid altogether if you’re single. Being alone any day of the year can evoke a lot of different emotions. So before you decide to lurk through your exes’ Instagram feeds or close off the world to process those dark thoughts you’re having, consider this: we’ve created a workout designed to take full advantage of your relationship status and put all of that sweet, tender love towards something that will never leave—yourself. It’s so simple you won’t even have to leave your home, promise.

1) Frowning

There’s an old expression that says, “It takes so many muscles to smile and even more muscles to frown, so why overwork yourself?” That is completely bogus. While it’s hard to accurately tell how many muscles are being used to form these expressions, smiling and frowning are using different muscles altogether. Assuming you smile more than you frown, pick a day to let that frown loose and strengthen it to epic proportions. Feel the burn as you side-eye couples and scold high school kids who engage in PDA. As if they know what love is, right? Using it at work may also keep unwanted co-workers from bothering you as you ponder what type of pizza you’ll be scarfing down that evening.

2) Channel Surfing, aka Arm Planks

These are like planks, but for those biceps you’ve been ignoring. Imagine how many channels are going to be showing some dated romantic comedy or all the cheesy reality TV shows that involve someone making out or hooking up. The only friend you’ll need is the guide button. Posture is important, so sit firmly, cuddled with a pet so at least something will love you tonight. Keep your arm perpendicular to your body. With full extension, only use the channel buttons to find a TV show. Sure, it’ll take a while, but it’s not like you have plans. If you did, you’d be all dolled up or freshly shaven, preparing for an evening worth remembering. But nah, you’re on your couch hitting the dab to wipe your tears away like Cam Newton is doing to get over his Super Bowl loss.

3) Spoon Curls

Who needs actual weights to work out? They can be costly and all they do is haunt your thoughts when you pass them in your room. “Use us!” they exclaim, “We’ve grown old and rusty since our last encounter!” Fear not, your arms will be more than sore after this next workout. Grab a spoon and any food that you can’t get enough of. Ice cream, cereal—anything that’s easily scooped, really. Scoop way more than what you should have in one serving (because who needs some dumb label telling you how to eat) in a bowl. With that trusty spoon, dig in and be sure to work your wrist and hand as you deliver spoonfuls of calories to your mouth. [Side note: You can combine this with the channel surfing and you may even work up a sweat. Or a few tears. Not that you’d ever cry over being alone, you’re just definitely going to be working some muscles you haven’t used in a while. Like your broken heart.]

4) Pacing

Once you’ve gotten your fill of TV and coma-inducing portions of food, it’s time to get those legs in on the action. As your mind fills with memories of the good old days when someone cared, take a few steps around your living room to get some cardio in. Your bedroom or even outside works as well, as long as you’re comfortable with your neighbors seeing you in your “rare” emotional state. For added effect, keeps your hands on your head no matter what. Let your fingers keep sweat out of your eyes and tears off of your cheeks as you reminisce over what it felt like to be worthy of affection. If you drop to your knees, focus on deep breathing and picking yourself up again. If anyone asks if you’re okay, frown until your face hurts. Can’t they see that you’re working out? “What a dumb question, on a dumb holiday, based on dumb emotions,” you’ll say to yourself. You’re better than that. You’re not emotionally weak, you’re exercising.

 5) The Fetal Position

After you get a shower to rid yourself of possible stains or sweat latched on to your body from your “intense workout,” it’ll be time for bed. With all the lights out and you able to reflect on the hard work you put in, there’s still a little more you can do. Every few minutes, you might just feel a tinge of pain or some shred of emotion. Maybe it’s muscle spasms, maybe it’s a loss of breath from realizing how far down you’ve fallen in your life. When this happens, tighten your muscles altogether at once, and hold yourself for a few minutes. It’s just as comforting as it is exhausting. After a few reps, you’ll be sleeping while those couples are out there being annoying. Who’s going to be the most efficient tomorrow? You. That’s who.

Being single presents a fantastic opportunity to get in some alternative exercises that you never even thought about when you had that special someone. While you catch up on what’s on your DVR and get a good meal in, you’ll be prepping for that summer bod. Next thing you know, you’ll be doing these exercises everywhere and won’t even have to go to the gym, or leave home for that matter. You’ll ask your friends, “Do you even frown, bro?” They’ll be confused while you have biceps of steel and tear ducts strong enough to flood the Mississippi River.

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