Posted on January 30, 2016

50 Shades of “Ayyyyy”


It’s now almost been a full year since the release of the film version of 50 Shades of Grey, and with all this time for the world to move on from the pleasures of the Red Room of Pain, people are unsurprisingly still caught up on the fantasy that is the brainchild of a hardcore Twilight fan.

Maybe it’s because Christian Grey is the pinnacle of fantasy male archetypes. Dreamed up by the mind of E.L. James, Christian Grey is the actual embodiment of stereotypical masculinity. As a young billionaire, pretty boy, philanthropist by day and mysterious hunk-of-a-man by night, Mr. Grey gets whatever he wants. He walks around with a perfect jawline and an even more perfect five o’clock shadow. He’s never heard of bad hair days or morning breath. His eyes can whisper words of love to you while you imagine taking a swim in his sea of manly chest hair. (You know it’s true.)

Fortunately, Christian Grey is only Hollywood magic. That’s right! Sorry to disappoint, planet Earth. Of course beautiful men like him do exist, but to ignore the everyday man would be a crime. Hollywood has a habit of generating too-perfect men.

Even Daniel Craig, the current “Agent 007″ from the last four Bond films, most recently Spectre, has his own thoughts on what real men should be like. According to the accomplished actor in his interview with Red Bulletin, his standards for a role model are very high. When asked if Bond would make a positive role model, he replied, “My own role models are people who have a moral compass. People who have the courage of their convictions: great journalists, writers, artists…”

Craig admits that Bond is capable of being a gentlemen as well, adding, “He’s someone who opens the door for people—for everyone, that is, not just women.” Though he notes that “a lot of women are drawn to him chiefly because he embodies a certain kind of danger and never sticks around too long.”

Though an action hero, Bond does not contain what it takes to be a man in the real world, either. He and Christian Grey have that in common. These days, it seems as though looks are all that matter. In reality, the man that writes you poems and is willing to take his mother-in-law to the airport every holiday is the real deal.

The issue at hand now is that these entertaining films should stay just that: entertainment. It’s just not right to draw expectations of how men should look or act from a work of fiction. Especially when there are great guys out there trying to win the hearts of those tied up with imaginary men. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s high time for a much needed reality check on what the “perfect man” actually looks like.

Christian Grey is known for his mantra “I exercise control in all things,” but the average man can barely control his excitement when talking to a pretty girl—and you can forget about exercising of any kind. But underneath the doom and gloom of facing reality, there lies some good news. Unlike what Hollywood wants you to believe, men come in many shapes and sizes, and most will show you a better time than the “Red Room of Pain.” Here are only a few of the wonderful kinds of everyday men you will find out in the real world:

The Gamer

This man is gentle in his ways and is probably the most patient soul you will ever come across. Not only does he have a passionate ear in his repertoire, listening to every detail of your story about your day, but he will challenge you as a person. He requires very low maintenance and can draw energy from very small amounts of sustenance, mostly nachos and Red Bull.

The Craftsman

Of all the men in the world, “The Craftsman” loves most to work with his hands. Whether it is dealing out a shiatsu massage or building a new guitar stand out of wood, he never misses a beat. This talented S.O.B never turns down a chance to amaze you, and will always take the time to create all of your handmade birthday and Christmas gifts.

And last but not least:

The Valet

This man is the very definition of emotionally available. His character is true and unshakable. He waits in the same spot all day for his loved ones to arrive and jumps at the chance to cater to their every need. He never complains about the mess in your car and would love nothing more than to ride in the passenger seat.

The secret is out about the kinds of men of the world, now the choice is yours. There are undoubtedly some suave men out there in the world, but if we can turn our eyes away from the movie screen for a moment, you just might find the perfect guy sitting in the next seat over.

Photo by: Michael Shuey

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